I’ve started writing this post in my mind for several days now. Training camp has started and this is a hockey blog so I should be excited.

YEAH!!!🥳

Except I’m not. I feel so separated from that old passion which drove me, so removed from the joy of a new season, that I don’t even know that I care. It’s not the Toronto Maple Leafs’ job to make me care about them (except it kind of is). It’s not the NHL’s responsibility to inspire my excitement about the upcoming season (except it kinda is). It’s for me to decide what I am inspired by, what I give my attention to, what I spend my energy on. So what has changed?

Not much, as far as I can see, and that’s my problem. I’m watching all the interviews and listening to all the news as it drops. Everyone in Leaf land is excited to start fresh, another kick at the can. LET’S GO!!! Right? Some guys have put on weight, some dropped weight, they’ve picked up some new tricks and they’ve worked on their fundamentals and all the hope you could want is just bubbling around. The optimism of September washes away the pain of June. Same as it always was.

But the world outside of hockey is shifting. Not slowly, not anymore. The lines that are being drawn are getting thicker, the gap between US and THEM is getting wider. And as I listen to these athletes talking about their training or their process I can’t help but feel a sense of impotent fury. These are leaders. These are role models. What is the model they are presenting? Keep your head down and focus on what you know. Pay no attention to what’s outside your gym. Have no concern for the people of your community. This is not a role we should model.

We are , all of us, a global community. We, all of us, are accountable for the impact we have on our community. Yet the hockey community seems to mirror the larger world stage in the desire to hide from things that are hard. There are some words that keep ringing in my head as I write (with my thumbs) “evil thrives in silence” and these days those words seem more like a prophecy than a warning.

So what do I expect? These are athletes not scholars or philosophers. They don’t owe us their opinions, especially when they are not informed. All true.

SO WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE DOING?!?

We tell these boys, with our silence, that they can behave however they want and we will protect them from accountability as long as they are good enough at the game to make money for their owners. We tell them to sweat for the fans and smile for the cameras , and in return we will turn a blind eye to any domestic violence or sexual assault or whatever else. Just as long as they win enough.

This is not okay.

Human rights are being violated in the name of corporate interests and the difference between US and THEM is becoming the difference between humanity and not. Maybe that’s the point I’m trying to make. I wanted my hockey heroes to be real heroes. We need real heroes, people who are willing to say the hard things and stand for those who cannot speak or stand for themselves.

But who cares about genocide or pedophiles or a planet in crisis or corruption or rape or an abundance of human suffering when hockey is back.

I mean it… who? Where are you? We need you.

Summer is winding down and, like many NHL fans, I’ve begun to quietly build up some excitement for the season that’s on its way. I have some scars remaining from last year’s unfulfilled hope, but I’m ready to get hurt again. No matter what happens I will love and cheer for the Toronto Maple Leafs. I was the biggest Mitch Marner fan you ever met, until the moment he became a Golden Knight.

“Thanks for everything Mitch, now get bent because you’re not on my favourite team.”

Is that harsh? Hardly, given the state of the world. I’d argue that I’m down right wholesome in my steadfast loyalty to the Blue’n’White. There has been much written already about Mitch’s departure, the acrimony and the elation. Who cares? It’s over. Frankly I’m shocked the Leafs managed to get any sort of deal done. Given the very public breakup, I think the deal really underscores how deeply involved in tampering the Golden Knights were. Again, who cares?

The Maple Leafs needed to change the mix and they have. The need was obvious, to succeed in Today’s NHL a team needs to be maniacal bullies and, for whatever else he brings to the table, viscously deranged Mitch Marner is not.

I don’t want to spend a bunch of time talking, or thinking, about the defending Stanley Cup champions. Their deep rooted ties to the NHL head office is well documented. Their willingness to cheat at the game the supposedly love, their eagerness to harm others, their refusal to acknowledge any sort of accountability. These things are known. The fact that one of their players was suspended for literal steroid use, to then return to play in the playoffs… whatever.

It’s not the Florida Cheetah’s fault, they are a symptom of the larger issue. It is that issue I want to write about.

The NHL is a farce, a joke of a league, and hockey deserves so much better.

You’re probably going to shrug off my critique as a bitter fan who’s sick of watching his team lose. You’re probably right, but that doesn’t make me wrong. Let’s look at some facts that support my argument.:

Have you ever tried to watch an NHL game on TV? It’s really hard. You need at least 2 different subscriptions and even then you might miss some games for… reasons. In 2025 there is simply no excuse for this. The problem isn’t that there isn’t interest or that the tech is out of reach. The problem is that the myopic fossils running the league are so scared of the future that they refuse to acknowledge it’s here already. The NFL and the NBA both have dedicated streaming services where fans can pay to watch their favourite sport, can you imagine? It’s so bad that Major League Soccer is going to pass the NHL in North American market share before the decade is through. You read that correctly, a sport we don’t even name properly is going to overtake the NHL in terms of viewership and fan engagement. How embarrassing.

What about the rules? Do you know the rules of hockey? I guess it depends on when you’re watching right? What the actual fucking hell!!! That’s the truth though. The rules of the league are dynamic, they change based on time of year and time in the game. It’s absurd, it’s frustrating, and it’s dangerous. I’ve heard the argument made that if referees called the game by the rules there would be 30 penalties a game. SO WHAT!!! Call the game by the rules and if one team is breaking the rules all the time then that team will face the actual consequences as per the RULES!!!

I’m getting worked up just thinking about it.

It’s not just frustrating for fans who want to know what to expect, it’s dangerous for the human people who are playing. At least the league has a Department of Player Safety to make sure the players are protected, right? WRONG! Forget that the current director was a long time “goon” for the Florida Cheetah’s. The man (George Paros) also owns an apparel company called VIOLENT GENTLEMAN. This man is not concerned with protecting people through institutional procedures, he just threatens people into doing what he says, while smirking at the cameras.

I have big problems with the “work” Mr Paros has done as head of the league’s safety apparatus. That said, he isn’t the worst, he is another symptom of the true issue. The reason the NHL is a joke league that still operates like it’s 1995 is the weasel in chief, Gary Bettman.

Gary hates hockey, he hates hockey fans more, and he hates Canadian hockey fans most of all. When he finally dies, and his skeletal fingers are pried off the helm of the NHL, no one I know will mourn him. Has he made the owners money? Probably. Has he kept the sport we love mired in the dark ages? Definitely. Gary Bettman is why the NHL is a total joke league. Hockey deserves better than Bettman.

Fuck off, Gary.

#BettmanHatesHockey

Thanks for letting me vent. Go Leafs Go.

This life is a poem that nobody hears

This light is a brightness that all darkness fears

These hands hold an answer passed down through the years

These feet walk a path removed from the cheers

But what does this mean to the ones left behind, the sad lost bereft ones with lack front of mind

For them there is nothing but drums in the deep. A terror unknown, a reason to weep

So open your heart to the ones in control, all power is fleeting unless they let go.

Alone we sit and dream of things,

Together we wonder where we are.

I never belong to what I am in,

You never allow yourself to begin.

If sadness and gladness were driving together

I think they would stop to enjoy the weather,

But I never know which path would be best

So I keep my thoughts all over my desk.

Did I do the thing where I start to believe?

I hope not, I don’t think I’m ready to grieve.

What is the word for feeling too much?

Dying

*****

The Leafs are getting good results even though their play is not flawless. There is a lesson there if I care to observe it. Too bad I’m not in the mood. I see my flaws so clearly because that’s how I was trained. Self love and self care require both LOVE and CARE. Sadly these things are not commercially available. As always the answer is within, looking anywhere else is a fools hope at best, willful immolation at worst.

I Be Leaf.

The solstice is coming up really soon and so we celebrate another trip around the sun on this lovely, silly ball we call Earth. I hope the year has been a good one for you, it’s been a good one for me. Things change but nothing ever really changes, kinda.

Change isn’t something that just happens because we all say it’s so. In my experience change is a choice, turning towards our favourite idyllic notion of self, or maybe a community. Maybe a team.

I’ve been doing such a great job of following my beloved Toronto Maple Leafs from afar without getting entangled in the minutia of each shift of each game. What a change from a few years ago. As an individual changes so too does a team. The Leafs I am seeing highlights of and listening to podcasters complain about just seems different. In T he few games I’ve watched (3 full 4-6 partial) the team looks so different.

I guess it must be the new coach except it’s a lot of the same players. Maybe, just maybe, it takes time to learn about what it takes to push harder and dig deeper than the desperate assholes trying to take your cup away. I think that the people who have been watching the Leafs with a critical, if naively hopeful eye, are pleased with what it seems like this version of our team is capable of.

But they still make mistakes, they still lose games, they still have injuries to key players. So what? It’s not like any of us is ever all one thing. We do what we can, and we hope for the best. Only when we look at where we were is it clear how far we have come. For me that’s the trick, and it’s tricky enough that I need to write whole blogs about it just to crystallize how I feel in this moment.

I went snowboarding today, it was a pow day even though I live in a city. What a joyous and abundant day, the universe saw fit to dump snow for hours and hours and I got to shred it to pieces. Then, a few hours later I had to drive. Have I ever mentioned how much I detest driving? It’s not my favourite, and it’s even less my favourite when it’s been snowing for a day. But today I was driving and I was still the same me who rode the wind and kissed the sky. I was able to find a level of calm that no amount of strange or interesting choices that people were making could penetrate.

I never planned to be cool with the drive today. I may not be cool with the next drive I have to take. None of that takes away from the inexorable capacity of the human will to change. Once we want to be something we can become it, no matter what it may be. But only if we’re willing to push and dig and believe in ourselves without demanding. Frankly it’s exhausting, but not so draining as the alternative. (Living as a small, pretend version of your favourite self.)

So happy solstice and happy travels and happy victory. What does it all mean? Who knows? Not me. So what? I be Leaf.

Hugs

How long is a piece of string? How quick is quick enough? What time is soon?

These questions come to mind when I think about the Leafs and my own healing journey. Before you ask, no I’m not doing that thing where I think what I do impacts the Leafs fortunes, or what they do on the ice serves to validate or admonish my existence. I am simply aware of the parallels between the franchise’s chase for a cup and my own quest to find inner contentment.

Their last two games are a perfect example of how progress doesn’t always go in straight lines.

It’s almost as if the individual results of each isolated moment serve as guides more than statements. As I align with my favourite self I find that I am occasionally doing or saying things that feel bad. Does that make me bad? Does that erase my progress? Of course not. I persist and so I win, by showing up each day.

For the Leafs it’s a little different but the concept is the same. If the process is worth believing in (which I believe it is) than the individual game results don’t actually matter. If the team is doing the things that align with the best version of the Leafs more often than not everything will work out for the best.

I guess what I’m saying is I Be Leaf. It’s really cool to get a chance to watch them becoming their best. Same goes for me.

Hugs and luv

What a great game! What a great win! The Leafs bent but did not break and managed to give the Winnipeg Jets their first loss of the season. What a great feeling. So now what?

I think this is the lesson that the Leafs are teaching me at this time. Success and failure are not singular moments isolated from each other. Moving on from both requires exactly the same emotional mechanism. That’s the secret that I needed to learn. It’s an emotional thing, feelings are for feeling right. So right now the Leafs feel good but the only way to keep that feeling going is to win the next one.

There’s no guarantee that they will win the next one. All they can do is prepare and show up. After that it’s up to the collective will of the universe. That’s not a very comfortable notion is it. I think we all want to exist in a world where once we accomplish a thing we don’t have to do it anymore, or at least it’s not a struggle. Sorry, pumpkin, that’s not how it goes.

So the Leafs play again tomorrow and maybe they play like heroes, maybe they don’t. We all get to find out together what story is being told.

I mentioned last time that I wasn’t sure if I would watch Leafs v. Jets. I ended up watching the first two periods then switched to a different show for the third. I did that to protect my peace and it worked. That doesn’t mean the same tactic will work for me next game.

Like the Leafs I need to prepare myself for the experiences I expect and then show up. That’s all I can control. And even preparation seems like a lofty goal. We can’t predict every possible outcome for every possible scenario. How exhausting. For me it comes to trusting myself and loving myself. Right now that seems like something I can manage. That’s pretty cool.

I Be Leaf

That’s all.

There are no easy nights in the big leagues. Challenges define us. The Leafs are no different. Lots of hockey to go but you are who you are, so be who you want to be right now. I think the Leafs want to be champions. I believe in them. Tonight is another chance to see if they believe in themselves. I think I will watch this game but it really depends on how I feel before puck drop.

I’ve never felt so healthy in my fandom. It’s never too late to do things differently.

I Be Leaf

I was reflecting on why I started this page. It was started out of love, in the hope that something new would grow. In a lot of ways I’ve been successful in that endeavour. I am not the man that started writing funny fiction about his favourite hockey team. I have learned about myself and about my world. I spent a long time wondering why I even watch hockey since it gives nothing back to me. What I have landed on is that I enjoy watching it and I don’t question it beyond that. I won’t stop cheering for my favourite team, even if I don’t feel compelled to tell funny stories about them any more.

I do want to talk about them though, even if just to myself. Today (Oct 26 ‘24) they have a big game against the Bruins. I don’t have any plans to watch it because I am bored with the story already. Anyone who has spent any time healing from trauma knows that some patterns repeat themselves because we cannot imagine any other way. I believe that the Leafs are stuck in a pattern and I believe they are starting to see another way. The problem is that there is a large gap between understanding what you want to change and changing what you want to change.

I talk about the team as a singular entity because regardless of the myriad of parts, the Leafs are the Leafs. Some may disagree but I have watched this team for decades (plural) and the patterns are the same regardless of the variable details. What I watched in their last win (v. Tampa) was what the Leafs want to be. It was amazing and beautiful, the radical imposition of their will upon an opponent who could not answer. They showed me that they have a game we have never seen. Then they stopped. The patterns reverted to the old familiar.

Maybe that’s why I want to avoid tonight’s game. I am moving out of old patterns, I am shedding old pain. I don’t want to watch my favourite team stuck in their old ways. Still I cannot deny that a part of me wants to watch for that exact reason. I want to watch my favourite team destroy the barriers in their own minds and be the best Leafs there have ever been. I see the potential. But I’ve been hurt so many times. My hope has taken so much abuse. At what point is it my own fault for setting myself up.

So I won’t watch tonight and my deepest hope is that I regret the choice. I may change my mind between the morning, as I write this, and the evening to come. I’m allowed to change my mind. I’m allowed to choose what feels best in the moment. I’m allowed to trust my instincts to know what’s best in the moment. It took me a long time to believe that.

I think the Leafs are starting to believe in themselves but the journey isn’t a straight line. Mental health is not a linear path to walk and no two minds walk the same. If I could give the Leafs all the power of my hope I would. If all my faith could demolish all their fears I would give it freely. But it wouldn’t work.

Just like the Leafs winning or losing will not make my life more or less fulfilled. My joy and strength come from inside, it cannot be shaken because it has been earned. The Leafs are finding their joy, earning their strength. It can be painful to watch struggles that you cannot ease. With all the love in my heart I will allow myself some respite from that pain. it doesn’t mean I don’t think they will win. It means I choose myself.

I Be Leaf.

Another trip around the sun is beginning and I’m still here. While I haven’t felt compelled to write anything, I have been doing a lot of living and healing and scheming. Of course my schemes all seem to to involve giving art and joy to people without getting paid. It’s a tough calling but we does what we can. In the spirit of giving art to people I decided to put out a blog post about this season and what it means to me. Rambling online is an art form, isn’t it?

I hate the holidays. From late November to some day in January I feel extra tense and stressed and bad. Let me tell you, as a person who repressed childhood sexual abuse for almost forty years, when my stress level is high enough for me to actually feel it then it is really really bad. I used to think that the only problem with the holidays was me. My therapist is starting to convince me that I may have been wrong.

I’m okay with being wrong, I’m less okay with actually examining my feelings. Not feeling was way easier, and it was killing me too so it was like win win. Except I’m trying to make the most of this existing thing. The problem with feelings is that they don’t really ever make sense. It would be cool if our bodies made different coloured tears for happy and sad and mad and tired. Clear tears are basically useless to me but that’s all we get. It’s funny because ever since I started actually feeling the feelings that I’m having, I basically just cry all the time. Almost all the time, with very little provocation. it’s healthy apparently but inconvenient.

I don’t want to humbug anybody who loves this time of year. I don’t want to tell my kids that Santa perpetuates the Master/Slave dynamic by exploiting the stereotypical Elven work ethic. I even have a present tree set up in my living room. That’s for me. No one should tell anyone else the proper way to transition between moving away from the sun to moving towards the sun. It’s a personal choice.

I used to put a lot of pressure on myself to hide from this time of year. I wore my blank smile and volunteered for work shifts. I think a lot of others do this too. I think there is an expectation that come with this time of year that weighs a lot. That’s why I felt like writing. This is for the people who are just getting through it. I hope this finds you safe. You’re not alone. The holidays suck. It’s okay to feel that way.